My memories after that are not so good. I don’t know whether it was my grandfather’s death or I was born like that, but I felt empty after that. Through the programme of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), I know today that I was born like that. My grandfather had spoiled me. He had indulged my every whim. I no longer had that, and therefore had no one to enable me. It was alcoholism without a drink.

As I grew up, I felt detached. My emotions waivered from feeling better and superior to those around me to feeling like the lowest of the low. Coupled with that, racial bullying, which manifested itself on and off, I felt at times the world would probably be better without me. Later on, in my 20’s, in a drunken haze, I would take an overdose of sleeping pills, but by some miracle, I woke up.

My inability to cope with life on life’s terms, as AA puts it, had me ranging from feeling superior to inferior to fitting in, then not fitting in. Having friends and then discarding them when they didn’t meet my expectations — switching from one circle to another. Being angered to peaceful in a matter of minutes. Confusing lust with love (and thus not being able to approach or talk to women). I was being brave and standing up for myself one minute, to cowering the next. I had emotional swings on steroids. How could I cope? Alcohol!

It was the panacea I had been searching for. It evened out “those emotional swings”. It made me fit in with everyone. At some point in my twenties, I decided my turban held me back in my drinking career, and I cut my hair. I was a tall smart-looking chap with narcissistic tendencies. Cutting my hair amplified that, fuelled with alcohol, I was cocky and thought I was the centre of the Universe. Things didn’t go my way? ‘Fuck em!’ Take a drink. Find a woman. Watch some porn. Go out with my mates.

At some point, I took a woman emotionally hostage and fooled her into marrying me. Fooled her into thinking she could change this rebel without a clue. My drinking got worse. I discovered the morning drink. The positive feedback loop (as Jordan Peterson describes) established. I was on my way down. I drank when I did not want to drink. My wife was on her way out. I didn’t care, but the pain got too much. Emotionally I was bankrupt. The emptiness I felt by now was a huge chasm the size of the Grand Canyon. It was death or do something.

I reached out to AA. They asked, “Do you want to stop drinking?” I said yes!

The wheels were set in motion. I was 12 stepped (an AA term for someone in AA helping another alcoholic). A tall Irish chap called John K (God rest his soul) came to my door. He started talking about where drink took him. I identified. He told me not to drink anything. He asked me whether I wanted to go to a meeting. I said yes (even though I thought, somebody would see me at the meeting who I knew and discover, I’m an Alcoholic!! – talk about warped thinking).

I went to my first meeting the following day. John took me. I saw it was in a church and the thought occurred to me, “these are Christian nutters trying to covert a Sikh!” – nevertheless, I was desperate. I listened and identified. The dishonesty. The hiding of drink. When ordering a round of drinks, having an extra one at the bar. Not remembering what I’d done the night before – blackouts. Embarrassing silences. People not talking to me anymore, and I could not remember why. The shame. The emptiness!

That weekend I remember the sweats. The shivers. I had to call the doctor. He prescribed Diazepam to help with the shakes. Even my wife took pity. This withdrawal was different, however – I had heard a message of hope at the AA meeting.

My next meeting was Tuesday Perry Barr. Another Sikh chap, called Bhopinder, took me there. The message I heard was incredible. They told me about the steps. They told me to get a sponsor. They told me to listen, then asked me to share. There were men and women with a few days to 40 years of sobriety. They said I had to do service (service or sewa is an integral part of my Sikh faith, but they said do service without expecting anything in return). I understood that my emotional issues were caused by fear – a huge ego and low self-esteem. The FEAR that beyond that fake bravado, people would discover what a snivelling little coward I really was. My bouts of anger were a defence mechanism to this fear and egotism.

In earnest, I got a sponsor. I went through the steps. I read the Big Book. I did service. I took a moral inventory. I looked at my part in the problems I had. I began to understand, the Sikhi I was so proud of studied, and I thought I practised lacked “spirituality” – the Piri to the Miri. The steps helped me understand ME by not thinking about ME! I made amends. I prayed for others (even those I did not like).

On the 23rd of May 2021, I will be 17 years sober – to be honest, I cannot remember what day I came into AA, but I know it was mid-May. I chose the 23rd because it’s my kids’ birthday. My twins are AA babies who have never seen their dad drink (a blessing I received in my 3rd year of sobriety).

So how has my journey been in AA? It’s not perfect. I have sometimes been selfish. Only today, I was told off by Bhupinder for not doing enough service (he was right). My sponsor Seamus chastises me from time to time for not going to enough meetings and not practising the principles of AA in all my affairs (again, he is right). This “checking in” with Fellowes of AA keeps my egotism in check. As my sponsor Seamus says, “keep your L plates on” – I have to remain teachable.

AA does not make me immune from life, I’ve faced bereavements, births, conflict, redundancies, financial insecurity, children being bullied, racial issues, work issues, neighbour conflicts, traffic conflicts, temptations of the opposite sex, fights with my wife, fights with other relatives – all the usual sort of thing that life throws at you, but the difference is, I’ve had AA and my Fellows help guide me through this, and about 75% of the time I’ve managed to do the right thing – the AA thing. Every time I do the AA thing, I get peace of mind.

The void I experienced and tried to fill with alcohol is filled with spirituality……. well 75% of the time! I’m still learning! One day at a time!