Throughout my life, I was always interested in spirituality, self-help, yoga, prayers, staying healthy, Sikhism, comparative religion. However, looking back now, I can see I simply used all those 'good' things as a counterbalance against what I knew deep down was not right. My behaviour. I would wake up at 4am to go for a run round the park, do breathing exercises and "pray", but in reality, what I was actually doing was getting up to have a spliff and a dragon stout at the same time to get me in the 'zone'. After this ritual I'd then go back home and go back to sleep – struggling to get up for work on time. I'd come to that point when I couldn't even sleep all the way through the night without needing some sort of top-up drink. Towards the end of my drinking, my lifestyle was completely erratic even though, somehow, still quite functional. I was constantly craving, chasing, lying, hiding, sneaking, scoring, drinking, smoking, regretting, promising, apologising, crying, pleading and ultimately exhausted. 

Suffice to say when I realised, I had a problem with all this carry on, I couldn't stop. I always thought I would be able moderate if things got on top of me. I had all the usual symptoms of a problem, blackout driving, going missing, getting messed up at the most inappropriate times and places such as work, with family or at home. I was hiding drink, lying, creating artificial arguments to get some space to drink or score. I remember kicking myself when I discovered morning drinking, why had it had taken me so long?

Anyway, like I said, AA has been the best thing that could have happened to me. I found that EVERYTHING that I had been looking for in the drink and drugs (a little peace of mind) was accessible simply by staying clean and sober and putting some work in for that to happen a day at a time. The ability to move through life freely with my head held high is amazing. The ability to get through a whole day, and situations without resorting to, or even wanting or thinking of a drink or a drug, I find is a form of 'high' all of its own. The ability to be able to sit comfortably in one place, and let the day unfold its own course naturally; to be able to move around from one situation or place to the next without having to lie and sneak around or to be able to squeeze some using in. To be able to enjoy the present moment. To be available and present with the people and situations in front of me. To be able to bare up even when things aren't going the way I want. To have been shown behavioural templates via what I have observed in practice in the rooms of AA to approach life and social situations that yield positive results, or at the very least don't leave me feeling bad about myself. For all these things I am thankful. 

Regardless of how drunk or stoned I was, I have always been drawn to Sikh scriptures, especially Jap-Ji Sahib. Some people may call that sacrilege, but I knew deep down in my heart that I would have spiralled even deeper if I hadn't had held on to the thing I was taught as a child. Today, I now read Jap-Ji Sahib and I see recovery all the way through it whereas before it was pretty much incomprehensible to me, even its most basic simplest meanings and messages. I started to understand and see the vocabulary of recovery coded within it. In fact, I thank God that he made me an alcoholic otherwise I KNOW I would NEVER have got the perspective I have now ('Ketia dukh bhuk saad mar, eh bhi dat teri datar') I truly believe that. I have gone through life sleepwalking. I give thanks that I feel clear headed enough to be able to write this right now without any fear or regret or embarrassment for showing others who I am. I feel elated that I 'have found the brotherhood who have, won over their own mind, and have thereby won over life' ('Aai panthi, sagal jamaati, man jeetai jag jeet') 

Respect and Regards to all. WAHEGURU ('Wow' is the journey from dark to light)