He labelled me a troublemaker…
I am the youngest of four, a girl. As a child growing up in the '70s, I had seen my dad's heavy drinking. He would bring his friends or relatives to our house and drink with them until the early hours of the morning. This behaviour was typical in the Punjabi community at the time. We had little money, and my parents were always arguing over his drinking or finances. My mum tried to protect us, children, by keeping us away from the drinkers, but we witnessed knife-related incidents and drink-fuelled fights. From a young age, I decided I would never drink. Fortunately, my brothers never followed my dad's path. Dad was in his late 40's when he had a health scare and stopped drinking. Soon after this, my parents separated, and I lived with my mum. For approx ten years, alcohol no longer played a part in my life.
In the mid 90's I had an arranged marriage and moved to the midlands. Early in the marriage, I realised that my husband had a drinking problem. His father was an alcoholic, and his brothers were also heavy drinkers. Visits to relatives houses usually meant the men would be drinking from the afternoon into the early hours; the drinkers would give no regard to the women or children. Having been away from the drinking culture for so long, I found it challenging to live in a household where drinking was the norm. When I objected to my husband drinking, he labelled me a troublemaker. When he was sober, he was fine, but the drink turned him into a totally different person, he would become argumentative and aggressive. His drinking put a considerable strain on our marriage and my relationship with my in-laws.
My husband made promises that he would stop drinking, but never did, even after the children were born. We were always arguing; debts started to pile up, he couldn't go to work from being too hungover and lost jobs. My mental and physical health suffered. One night after coming home from a party, the situation came to a head, and we separated for a short while. After pressure from family, we got back together, but his behaviour and drinking did not change.
Several years passed in this way, and I knew that mentally I could no longer continue, I needed help, significantly more so after I found my 15-year-old son drinking straight from a bottle of vodka. I was devastated. He had always promised me he would never touch alcohol—first, my dad, then my husband and now my son. Alcohol had caused so much unhappiness in my life, and there seemed to be no end.
In May 2018, I finally sought help and walked into my first Al-Anon meeting. Here people shared their stories and their experiences, and they resonated with me. My friends and family had always supported me, but they didn’t understand what I was going through. In the meetings, people could relate to me. Through them and the programme of healing, I learnt that alcoholism is a family disease, and I am powerless when it comes to my husbands drinking. I have not caused my husbands drinking, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. The best thing I can do for me is to continue living my life without being consumed with his behaviour.
Today I no longer play the blame game. I regularly attend Al-Anon meetings and share my experiences with other members. I know that whatever I am going through with my husbands drinking, I am never alone as there is always a member I can reach out to for support. I can have an open and honest conversation with my son about the damaging effects of alcohol and rather than tell him not to drink, I can say to him to drink sensibly. I can let go of situations and no longer allow myself to be drawn into arguments with my husband when he is drunk.