Finding humility through humiliation…
My name is Pragnya, and my story is that of how too much self-reliance got me into trouble with alcohol. Alcohol nearly cost me my life, and slowly but surely, I crawled out into life through following a twelve-step programme encased within a fabulous fellowship of people who thought and felt the same as me.
I understood for the first time in my young adult life that alien concept of egocentricity. The world did not revolve around me, nor did it owe me a living. Worse, I considered myself to be more superior than others. So, I suffered from being egotistical and selfish. A horrible combination, a kind of a “super” arrogance, if you will, a complete lack of humility.
Of course, this self-awareness has been achieved one day at a time due to practising a twelve-step programme. I have understood the importance of gaining acceptance around those liabilities that have caused me to have trouble dealing with my emotions. Namely, my absolute need to control, my righteous indignation that is bubbling away somewhere below the surface, my desire to be right, my inability to navigate around the word “compromise” and my ideas about “big shotism”. Importantly, I have managed to slowly chip away at these over time. The important thing for me to remember is that I need never drink again, a day at a time.
Gaining awareness and finding a level of acceptance was important, of course, but so was the practice of two important words, namely, “action” and “humility”. Through my rock bottom, I found a willingness to admit that something was wrong with the way I used alcohol to manage my feelings, an acknowledgement of self-deception around this and gaining just enough open-mindedness and blind faith to check if I could be helped. After all, I had nothing to lose, everything to gain. Alcohol had removed my family, my job and very nearly my life. I was on the scrap heap.
Asking for help was not easy, but I had struck gold at my rock bottom. I had glimpsed a sliver of humility, just in time.
Accepting people for who they are and not trying to change them is the greatest gift I can give them. I can try to practice this daily to become the best version of myself. Giving away what I have are acts of love that keep me safe. Hopefully, others can be helped further along their journey of acquiring sobriety.
I have learnt the importance of being humble, of “right-size” and to remain teachable, above all, to sustain my heartfelt gratitude to a wonderful society called Alcoholics Anonymous, which loved me better until I began to love myself. I only get one crack at life, and I intend to live it to the best of my ability. I feel I finally belong …..the inclusivity of this society makes that possible. Through that, I know I belong to a broader culture and humanity.
It really is a privilege to share my story with you. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
Finally, thank you, AA, for giving me the chance to practise the Serenity Prayer each day……………… the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.