Why didn’t I seek help? Because I am an Indian Sikh girl…

If you had told me that I would be writing about my alcohol story as a thing of the past, I would have laughed. For me, alcohol was a must. I even labelled people ‘boring’ if they didn’t drink. That, for me, was a projection of the way I viewed myself. I thought I was ‘boring’ if I didn’t drink.

I saw my dad, an alcoholic, drink throughout my childhood. The countless fights, that I never understood. Parents think because you are young, you won’t remember. But I did. He stopped drinking, luckily, when I was 7 years old. After that we did not mention alcohol in the house, and it was never spoken of.

I watched TV and saw the glamourised version of drinking. The fun that people had and the funny stories of nights out. We were never allowed alcohol at home, and I remember getting accepted to University and thinking ‘yes, I’m going to move out and drink’. This is when my problems presented, as I drank every day.

The alcohol culture was so immense. I was given drink after drink, even when I was puking up. People found it funny, and I definitely was an embarrassment. However, this never stopped me. Even when I had puked up, or when I had been paralytic, the next day I was the one suggesting we get a bottle and drink. I drank every single night, and when I was home from university, I would find ways to drink. Any time I went out, it involved alcohol.  Going to the cinema, we had to sneak in alcohol in a water bottle or bottle of coke. Even when doing first aid, I remember drinking. My ‘friends’ laughed and used to tell me that I was funny. They enabled my behaviour and encouraged my drinking. 

After university, things didn’t stop. I carried on drinking. I don’t remember having a sober weekend. I started drinking wine at home, and binge drinking on weekends. I hated being sober. My dad’s side of the family again encouraged my drinking, and sometimes we drank from 8pm-6am the next morning. Not long after, I got involved in taking class A drugs. Yet again, every weekend was the same. The Friday routine was to get a bottle and drugs, Friday night party, sleep at 6am Saturday, wake up later afternoon and repeat. That was me, and that was my life. I neglected the things I cared about, and my job was also hanging on the line. 

I remember the last night I drank. I had started at 6pm. It got to 8am the next morning and I can only remember a bit of the night but not everything. I woke up puking, and I couldn’t move an inch without feeling sick. I was so weak. The next day I got really badly ill. My partner and I went to the doctors and I was then tested for various things, as they believed I had damaged my stomach lining due to class A drugs and drinking. Since that day I stopped drinking. My partner and I haven’t drank for nearly 3 years. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have stopped. If it weren’t for him, I would’ve laughed off my medical issues and carried on.

So why didn’t I seek help? Because I am an Indian Sikh girl. Not sure which stopped me the most, but it’s the fact I was a girl in such a culture. The stigma attached to females that are alcoholics is not a great one. So imagine a Punjabi girl seeking help. I assumed I would be laughed at. For me, drinking was also normal. There is no limit. I wanted to be equal so I ‘drank like a man’. I didn’t know how to stop. Nor did I know what help was. What I now know, is how warped my ideology was. I placed too much emphasis on something that potentially could have killed me. 

So what is life like now after stopping drinking? I have started to enjoy my life a lot more and enjoying activities I never would have done sober. I go on walks and no longer book getaways to just get away and drink. The best thing is I haven’t ever woken up with that dreadful hangover. My head is clear, and I set goals and stick to them. I do feel that I need to avoid certain situations and avoid certain people due to the pressures of drinking. Deep down, I am aware I cannot stop at one drink, and so I cannot have one. I’ve lost ‘friends’, but I’m happy because my circle is now people that like me for me. By no longer drinking I am living life and focusing on bettering myself. Ultimately, the one thing I learnt is to learn how to love who I am. I’ve become so much more confident and I’ve realised that the love I gave to alcohol, is love I needed to give to me. I come first now.